I was married to a narcissist at one time and quickly learned that a relationship with a narcissist, or a husband with narcissistic personality disorder, is the worst sort of caged hell a woman could ever endure. Frankly, my marriage quickly turned into the worst nightmare I had never imagined I would face.
A narcissist wants power and control
So, you want to know how to deal with a narcissistic husband? The harsh reality is you really can’t. Marriage with a narcissistic husband is based on your husband engaging in a constant power struggle with you, whereby he is only invested in the relationship to gain power and control over you to feel good about himself, and to annihilate any sense of self, happiness, independence, success, or mental and financial stability you have.
Only months after the wedding in my marriage with a narcissistic husband, I began walking on eggshells afraid of his explosiveness if I said anything that challenged him or made him accountable for his behavior. I tried to avoid all landmines, yet the explosiveness would come out of nowhere over a seemingly innocent comment – and repeatedly.
After the wedding, mean, cruel, and sadistic digs made at my expense became a regular occurrence, yet when confronted, these digs were disguised as “jokes”. Don’t be fooled. The narcissistic husband deliberately and repeatedly sets up their victim to be the brunt of cruel and emotionally devastating so-called “jokes”.
When confronted with their behavior, a narcissistic husband spins what is referred to as “word salad” and quickly deflects the conversation away from their poor treatment of you and taking any accountability to accusing you of the exact behaviors they exhibit. This confuses their victim into thinking she is the problem for feeling hurt or harmed by her husband’s cruelty. Suddenly, you are the problem, and very quickly, you end up defending yourself after feeling hurt by him.
The narcissistic husband’s gaslighting behaviors will make you doubt your reactions and instincts. The narcissistic husband twists your words and intent, he rewrites facts, and he will lie, making you question your reality and memory of the details of a conversation or incident. This is done intentionally to maintain power and control over you and your perception of the abuse.
The abuse always occurs in private
The abuse always occurs behind closed doors and out of public view so that the narcissistic husband can uphold a façade of kindness to his social circle, while secretly and privately beating you down emotionally and verbally without witness. Marriage with a narcissist eventually becomes insidious and poisonous, and the victim soon feels that they are completely alone dealing with the abuse.
The Grey rock method
Psychologists advise using what is called the “grey rock method” to disengage from arguments and drama with a narcissistic husband, which can help deescalate and diffuse a heated situation. However, the emotional, psychological, and often financial toll of remaining married to a narcissist will eventually take hold. It does not matter how emotionally strong or successful a woman you are. The psychological and verbal abuse will eventually and gradually rob you of your mental health, self-esteem, self-worth, financial stability, and sense of fairness and equitable treatment in the marriage. None of these healthy aspects are a part of a marriage to a narcissistic husband.
Leaving an abusive marriage
Ultimately, the only way to deal with a narcissistic husband is to leave the marriage. If you choose to remain married to a narcissistic husband, you are gambling with your life, your happiness, and your mental health. It is a tremendous risk. The longer you endure his abuse, the greater the risk. The more entrenched you are financially and emotionally, the more difficult it becomes to leave.
Victims find themselves quickly becoming “trauma bonded”, which is the brain’s physiological response to the off and on pattern of narcissistic abuse, including the highs and lows, making it even more difficult to separate from the narcissist. The narcissistic husband will say and do anything to keep the marriage in tact, even if they have been caught red handed with affairs and cheating. Narcissist husbands will cheat. They are well known for having affairs due to needing constant validation, attention, and admiration. But when you finally tell your narcissistic husband you want a divorce, he will promise you the world including change. He may offer couples or individual therapy to avoid a divorce. The narcissistic husband wants control. Leaving him and divorcing him is a loss of his control over you.
Be very mindful if this happens. The narcissistic husband will make empty promises he never intends to keep. This is to be expected. He will try therapy with you, yet he will manipulate the therapist into thinking the problem exists with you. Narcissists are impossible to treat in therapy because they are never accountable – not ever – everything that happens with a narcissist is always another person’s fault or misinterpretation.
You may in fact see changed or improved behavior after threatening a separation or divorce, but this improvement is always short-lived, and the narcissistic husband inevitably returns to his full repertoire of abuse tactics.
So, do yourself an enormous favor and first educate yourself about narcissism and on how to get out of a marriage with a narcissistic husband. Education empowers you and will provide you with the necessary objectivity to see the abuse patterns and to leave.
If you find yourself in a marriage to a narcissistic husband, my suggestion is to get therapeutic support, educate yourself, build and strengthen your support network with your friends and family, and carefully and privately plan an exit strategy.
Remember, you only have one life, so free yourself from your narcissistic husband and abusive marriage. Here’s to your freedom from narcissistic abuse, and to your recovery, happiness, and well-being! You deserve happiness. Never forget that.