On the mental health forum where I help people, I see all too often people who crave a partner to give them the love and self-worth that is missing in themselves.
We cannot rely on others to give us happiness, self-worth, meaning, or purpose in this world. We must give all these things to ourselves first. Otherwise, we attract all the wrong partners and end up in unhealthy, addictive, codependent, and dysfunctional relationships. To attract true love and healthy love, one must first love oneself.
If we don’t love ourselves, we end up with people who treat us poorly and less than we deserve. We attract partners who operate at a similar level as us. If we are mentally or emotionally unhealthy, we will attract an equally unhealthy partner. This relationship naturally becomes dysfunctional and unhealthy. The relationship will likely be an unhappy and unfulfilling one that ends in emotional pain.
Alternatively, when we love, respect, and value ourselves, we attract similar types of partners. This then becomes a loving relationship that is respectful and healthy.
If we don’t respect ourselves, how can we expect other people to respect us? If we don’t respect ourselves, we are often more accepting of poor treatment. So, finding true love begins with loving ourselves. We cannot approach love from an emotionally needy place. That is not healthy love. It is dysfunctional love.
So, how do we start to love ourselves?
- Respect yourself
People treat you the way you expect to be treated. If you want respect, you must respect yourself.
If you care about yourself, you won’t tolerate someone treating you poorly. When your self-esteem is low, you end up accepting treatment that mirrors your own low self-worth. This keeps you stuck in relationships that don’t work for you!
The problem is that most of us don’t treat ourselves the way we would treat our most beloved friends and family members.
To find deep and lasting love, treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Say kind things to yourself instead of listening to your inner critic. Do thoughtful things for yourself and listen to your inner voice. Exercise self-care and healthy boundaries. Spend time on your own, get to know yourself, learn your preferences, and discover purpose, meaning, and passion on your own.
Make this shift and your experience in relationships will shift, too.
- Learn to define your self-worth on your own
This means that you need to learn to see yourself through the eyes of a higher source of truth — your higher self — rather than through the eyes of the ego-wounded self. Your wounded self may have been programmed to believe that you are not good enough or that you need other people’s acceptance and approval to feel good inside.
When you learn to see your beautiful essence through the eyes of pure love, a higher love, you can learn to value yourself. When you value yourself, you will treat yourself more lovingly, which will provide a deep sense of inner worth. When you view yourself from a loving place, you have that much more love to share with a partner. You become a person able to share love rather than someone always trying to receive love.
- Learn to be happy before you enter a relationship
When you are willing to take loving action to bring joy into your life, you are no longer dependent on another to do this for you. Your happiness attracts those who are also making themselves happy, and opens the door to a fulfilling, happy, and loving relationship. You can attract the love of your life by learning to be happy on your own. Being happy on your own means finding your own passions and interests, and learning to love the life you have.
Once a person feels whole on their own, this will attract true, lasting love. Happiness and self satisfaction shine outwards and are visible to those around us. Happy people are attracted to other happy people. When we don’t love ourselves and when we’re not happy on our own, we attract all the wrong kinds of people. Work on loving your life and yourself first, then the right kind of love will follow.
It took me years to learn this concept through my own personal journey and through a series of unhealthy relationships. It finally clicked one day that I could not truly love another or be in a healthy relationship until I loved myself first and until I was happy in life on my own.
I hope you have found this article to be useful. Here’s to your happiness, and to finding true love!